The Little Boy Who Never Sleeps

This is my life. My online diary.

The First, The last and hopefully my future

Dear blog, 

I haven’t written to you for a while. How have you been? I hope everything is fine. Today is a day to remember as I am not alone anymore. I have finally found someone to love.

She is amazing:

Loving, caring, trustworthy, Beautiful and full of kindness.

It has been 3 months now close to 4 months since we are together. We talk everyday and are inseparable. I love her so much its crazy. Suddenly everything that happened in the past just felt like it was leading me to this. Kanlaya Barton you have really stolen my heart. I remember the first time that i spoken to you…. Immediately we talked as though it was ment to be. It was effortless and I fell… I fell for your smile and girlish charms. We talked almost everyday not really caring about some stupid rule about calling 3 days later. We quickly got to know each other better as we had our regular conversations and have been talking to each other everyday ever since.

In these 3 months i noticed many new things about you….

You snore when u sleep (cute)

When i say something that is mean you go Oi… ahahahah

You look pissed some mornings when u wake up (scary)

You love your family.

You work so hard all the time.

You are a person who always put others first.

Your fav color is purple.

You don’t really like lamb.

You are impatient sometimes.

You cry very easily.

You like soft toys…. ALOT… ( Daymn girl who has so many soft toys)

Anyway, my point is… I noticed many crazy things about you when i am with you and I am quite sure I would like to take it to the next stage of my life if you will have me. I hope that we will spend the rest of our lives together. I pray everyday that God will show me the way and he did….

When u read this it I would have probably be done writing and now you just came out of the shower and we are going to do facials together. But I will always know that you love me and that I love you very much.

I love you very much Kanlaya Barton.

Yours truly,

Jason Phung

The Dream,

I dream’t of her again.Her … The one from Norway. I tried crying but no tears came to my eyes. I fear what i might become at the same time im trying to embrace it. What is this feeling of emptiness inside my heart. Am i of no emotions, if yes, then what am i feeling? Am i to feel sadness and sorrow or just ignoring that i have feelings. I am to choose between those two emotions. But those two feelings feel as though they are double edge swords that plunge into my heart every time i feel alone. The only thing to counter it is to try to distract myself with something else. Writing can only get me so far I want a permanent solution. What good are your memories if nothing good ever happens to you? I thank god for the little things. But maybe im ready for something better. I know we always want more. At the end of the day. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do and letting go after that while still loving them is even harder. So… to me…. Go see a therapist… Cause Jason… You F-ed up =.=’

Pathfinder

Dear Jason,

Hello. Here you are in England, alone but strong. You have to push your way through the turmoil of the world. Always remember the things that you have always set up to achieve. Just as every chapter begins it will end. If you ever feel alone always know that its just another chapter in your life. You live to see the joy of others and pass down kindness unto others.

Your journey might be a long and dangerous one. There are so many treacherous paths and destructive components in your life but you will pull through. Hurting is just a part of life. Accepting the situation and living by it will help you ease it when u are in pain. People will always come and go, as chapters end a new begins.Just be strong and be kind. People remember the bad things that happen to them more than a kindness done to them. So, don’t feel down if they forget. 

You choose who you are and what you do.I hope that one day when you have something precious, you will treasure it forever and not forget those who have done you good.

Yours Truly,

The silence… Its deafening.

Dear Journal,

Its been a while since the last post. Here i am on the 9th of november. Just finished my assignment. I was watching Dr. Who? and believe it or not… I can relate to him. I try my best to be kind to anyone who needs help. Only difference is he is smarter and more knowledgeable than me. I wonder will i ever be someone like him.

They say its the nice one’s who always get hurt. The nice one’s who always die first. Will i be alone like him because i help people get what they want. As he said in the past episodes, people always want something from you. People think you know everything, people tend to aspect a certain degree of something from you. It is always living up to people’s expectations. We always one to be the one who saves the world and gets the girl… but it does not always go that way. Dr Who shows the true face of a hero who always is alone. Not by choice… But by chance. 

Will I share the same fate as him? Time is just an illusion. But we age and we die… What motivates the Doctor to move forward? Is it his urge for adventure in the world. I believe that is just a mask. A mask to hide his true emotions. Always smiling and cheerful, truthful, unbiased. Will that be the end of a person. As people around him age and change their lifestyles. He will always be the Doctor. Unchanging, loyal, someone that people can trust. I also understand why he does not like the holidays. Maybe its because, there is always a crisis out there and that other people are facing hardships when others are celebrating.

I share the Doctors views in life though I am just 21. My only consolation is thank God my body does not live forever or as long as he does. The doctor changing his image all the time feels as though he is going through different stages in his life. By changing his appearance, he still is the same. Loyal, curious, honest man who continues to bring adventure and joy to the people he meets on the way. Maybe that is how i understand a little more of myself now. Well if i am going to be alone. I still have 60 years to go of my life. The most i can do is live my life with no regrets and push forward every time.

Yours Truly,

Jason.P

Leaving on A Jetplane.

Im leaving Malaysia for 2 years . I already packed my luggage. I can’t wait to England and travel around to let myself go. I want to see things. See the world even if its on my own. I pray I will be ready for whatever challenges God throws at me.

The 21st Valentines Lesson~!

Journal 14th Feb 2013,

It’s Valentines day today. Everyone seems to have a special someone that they would love to celebrate it with. Chocolates, Roses and love fill the air in Malaysia as everyone gets ready to celebrate this eventful festival of love. But if there is one thing that i detest it would be VALENTINES DAY~!

I mean i have nothing against it for couples. But it is for the singles that I feel bad for. I understand U single people all too well … Maybe that is why~

Lets count down the heartbreak Meter shall we? Lets see…..

I have been :

  • In a love triangle. Letting the girl I like go with another guy instead of me because she did not know who to choose.

 

  • Left to go to prom alone (almost). Because girl still liked her ex and when i called her to choose she choose him instead of me.

 

  • Waited for a girl for 7 years. Rejected in the end.

 

  • Liked this girl. She liked me back. She had to go.

These are the Top 4 reminders that will always haunt me until i find my special someone. That is probably why i hate valentines day. It is kinda a day that reminds me….. Well… Here is a Cheers to All the Singles out there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE~!

Good-Bye Days ~ Yui 

Bristol, London here I come!

Journal 31st January 2013,

I did it. I finally graduated from my Diploma in Business. I am so happy at the same time excited on what is going to unveil in my new year. London here I come. I can’t wait to see new things and experience new things. This past month has been fun I guess. I got a sales job in Shah Alam selling gym membership. 

I start work on Friday. This would probably help me pass my time at the same time get some money for me to travel when i go to London. 

Yeah. Everything seems to be going well. Emotionally unstable is a term used very often in my history. I guess no girl thinks that a guy who is emotionally weak is attractive. Its okay, I guess. I am slowly beginning to understand and accept my situation. I feel helpless sometimes and lonely. I guess being alone for 21 years have slowly become my weakness. I don’t think i want to trust my emotions to a woman anymore. 

I feel as though someone impaled my emotions with a skewer and started barbecue-ing my heart. The problem is always time and place. I hate it when i fall for people who live so far away from me. I am leaving for London will it change? Will i find someone just to loose them again because of distance? Will I even fall in love again? 

I guess the only thing that can answer these questions is time. I really can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. There is a mixed feeling of fear and anxiety. No matter what the future holds. I must always remember who i am and love me for me. I won’t be desperate. I will be strong. I will succeed. 

For I will send you a sheep amongst the wolves ~ Mathew 10:16