Journal 14th Feb 2013,

It’s Valentines day today. Everyone seems to have a special someone that they would love to celebrate it with. Chocolates, Roses and love fill the air in Malaysia as everyone gets ready to celebrate this eventful festival of love. But if there is one thing that i detest it would be VALENTINES DAY~!

I mean i have nothing against it for couples. But it is for the singles that I feel bad for. I understand U single people all too well … Maybe that is why~

Lets count down the heartbreak Meter shall we? Lets see…..

I have been :

• In a love triangle. Letting the girl I like go with another guy instead of me because she did not know who to choose.

• Left to go to prom alone (almost). Because girl still liked her ex and when i called her to choose she choose him instead of me.

• Waited for a girl for 7 years. Rejected in the end.

• Liked this girl. She liked me back. She had to go.

These are the Top 4 reminders that will always haunt me until i find my special someone. That is probably why i hate valentines day. It is kinda a day that reminds me….. Well… Here is a Cheers to All the Singles out there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE~!

Journal 31st January 2013,

I did it. I finally graduated from my Diploma in Business. I am so happy at the same time excited on what is going to unveil in my new year. London here I come. I can’t wait to see new things and experience new things. This past month has been fun I guess. I got a sales job in Shah Alam selling gym membership. 

I start work on Friday. This would probably help me pass my time at the same time get some money for me to travel when i go to London. 

Yeah. Everything seems to be going well. Emotionally unstable is a term used very often in my history. I guess no girl thinks that a guy who is emotionally weak is attractive. Its okay, I guess. I am slowly beginning to understand and accept my situation. I feel helpless sometimes and lonely. I guess being alone for 21 years have slowly become my weakness. I don’t think i want to trust my emotions to a woman anymore. 

I feel as though someone impaled my emotions with a skewer and started barbecue-ing my heart. The problem is always time and place. I hate it when i fall for people who live so far away from me. I am leaving for London will it change? Will i find someone just to loose them again because of distance? Will I even fall in love again? 

I guess the only thing that can answer these questions is time. I really can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. There is a mixed feeling of fear and anxiety. No matter what the future holds. I must always remember who i am and love me for me. I won’t be desperate. I will be strong. I will succeed. 

For I will send you a sheep amongst the wolves ~ Mathew 10:16

Jason’s Log 4th of January 2013,

This is the year that i hopefully go to England.(just finnished my exams last wednesday~ fingers crossed)

There are so many things that i want to do this year. But, the biggest one is to go to England to complete my studies. I am ever thankful for everything i have in my life today and I consider myself very lucky to have such an opportunity to go to England. I have high hopes this year to go to see new things and experience new experiences. Maybe i have a few things i would like to do this year:

1) Finally go to England.

2) Join a club that deals with music when i am over there.

3) Go to London to see Big Ben.

4) Meet new people when i go to UWE. (Hope they like me >.<)

5) Do well in my Exams and get motivated.

6) Travel? ( If im lucky)

7) Find love? ( If I am ready )

I don’t know. I don’t know why but this year seems to be easier to get by in terms of emotions. Maybe I have grown older a lil. Hahah… big year for me… I will be 21 this year. Getting into a relationship does not look as interesting as it used to be? Maybe because i have something to finally look forward to this year. 2012 has come and gone. It was not as depressing as i thought it would be but getting here has been a journey that i will never forget. There were so many times in life when i wanted to give up but i still pulled through. So…. GOOD JOB JASON ~! Even if there is no one to say that to me. I should love myself more. I deserve to be awesome. This is to year 2013! Pray that it will be Legend- wait for it- DARY~!

Journal 13th of October 2012,

Its a saturday morning and i don’t know. I feel awesome. I kept myself busy and I will continue to do it until/ before i break! I feel invincible. I am going to get ready for the next phase in my study life!! 

But before i do that lets do a quick recap on what i did in Malaysia:

• I guess Lin-nette left and im learning how to pick up the pieces of my heart to start again.
• I am working part time in a gym and studying at the same time . (stressful but a way to keep myself busy and earn some $ )
• I am learning how to do many other things on the side.
• Still love singing.
• Listen to people’s problems and try to help them. ( Future Jason if u read this and u are not doing it please slap yourself)
• Building relationships with people and giving them advice because u really care for them.( refer to the punishment above if ur not doing it Future Jason)
• Have a goal in life an idea on what you want.

So yeah i think that is about everything u have learnt this year. So, Jason…… Are you ready for the next year and the years to come? 

Agent J.A.S.O.N,

Your mission if you choose to accept it is to continue being awesome and survive the coming years. Do you wish to accept this mission? >yes.

Dear future me,

You are doing fine for now. You are working at the gym in Taylors University now and life is kinda nice. You are beginning to understand how hard it is to earn money so please spend your money wisely. AT the same time, you are going to begin a new adventure soon. Love is something you are not looking for now. You are stuck in a stage where you just drown yourself with a busy lifestyle.

So if the future you want an update on what is happening currently in your life. You are 65kg and you are in a good position of getting 6pecs very soon. Hence, If you are fat in the future. PLease Work out…. Oh yeah please think of new ways of getting insperation and motivation as i see now you are looking for something or you are just bored.

The past you also has alot of free time so please use your time wisely so that you dont regret doing anything. So, that is it for now future me and all i can say now is.. PLease live your life to the fullest and it is not the mistakes that you make that matter but it is the actions you take to solve them that matters.

Yours sincerely,

Past Jason on 21st september 2012

Jason’s log,15th june 2012,

Im getting older now. Not a teen anymore. I can kiss my teen-hood goodbye. I feel somewhat nostalgic to this feeling. Finals are approaching in 3 weeks. Have alot of work to do for assignments. Not having any plans today. Maybe just do my assignments. I feel depressed and i don’t want to feel this way.

Thinking about it…

I have been looking all my life for someone to love me. Somehow, I feel like she is far away. In check of all my memories:

• I had a rough teen life when it came to social groups.
• I loved people that lived far away from me.( ended up being hurt )
• I will not be satisfied if someone rejects something from me. (especially women)
• I am patient ( dont know how long that would last )
• I want to think im kind.
• I want to think im helpful. 
• I love my family and will protect them at any cost.

In the end of my 19 years of life and going into my 20’s. This is the journal of a man now. Im getting older now. I don’t know how long it will last but…. I will make it… because I must…. I want to be strong…. Anyways… Happy birthday Jason….

Jason’s Journal 12th June 2012,

Could not sleep last night.I feel like i have lost my way again. I feel so crappy this morning. Like my heart just fell from the sky. What is life when you live your life to help other people when there is no one who cares enough for you. Is it so hard for someone to care for my feelings and love me? I feel it…. in my very chest… the burning sensation of heartbreak….. 

I DON’t want to feel this way …. I find only comfort in writing these journals hoping one day i can look back and laugh at myself because i have found someone that i can adore and love….

Lord, give me strength.

written,8.21am,

by me